Desk Job
by NuGirl
Summary: *Re-post from Sea Patrol Forums* Nikki and Josh a few years on...Would you really expect life to be smooth sailing as they move into the next chapter of their lives?
1. Chapter 1

~*~*~

Nikki sighed as her computer powered down at a snails pace. Glancing at the clock on the wall for the umpteenth time that hour she found it was finally time for the Hammersley to dock.

Saluting she half but ran down to the dock. Watching it come into port she spied Sally Blake with little Chloe speaking with Buffer's latest girlfriend, Holly. Normally Nikki would have gone over to speak with them, but today she was content watching to ship come in from a distance.

She sighed again as she watched the boat come slowly in, seeing many of the crew standing on the upper deck. She could see ET glancing around, no doubt searching for herself. The crew came bounding off in no time. She watched silently as little Chloe toddled over to Swain and Holly embraced Buffer.

She missed all this. Being on a Patrol Boat, she was finding it hard to get used to being behind a desk. Not that she would ever trade her marriage, but she was missing the sea. She had watched everyone file off; Swain, Buffer, Bomber, Spider, RO, Charge, X, even the CO, who was in his dress whites obviously heading for a meeting with Marshall, everyone that was, except for her husband.

She slowly made her way down to the gangway where she spotted ET talking to someone who Nikki was unfamiliar with. The dock surrounding HMAS Hammersley was now fairly empty with most of the gang heading towards the pub.

The lieutenant previously talking to ET was now making her way down the plank without saluting much to Nikki's surprise.

"Janelle," ET called out.

The woman turned to look at ET, who discreetly saluted. She smiled, stopped and saluted. ET followed her down, copying the action.

Nikki drew breath as she realized that this was the person who replaced her, the new navigator on the Hammersley. ET smiled as he finally spotted her.

"Nikki," he shouted out as he walked over to embrace her. "I've missed out babe," he whispered in her ear, placing a hand on her slight bulge, their little secret.

Nikki smiled at their contact. She'd miss him over the last three weeks.

"Janelle…" ET called out again "Nik, meet Lieutenant Janelle Clarkson, our new navigator. Janelle, my wife Nikki Holiday," ET introduced.

"Ma'am, nice to meet you, ET's always talking about you," Janelle commented.

Nikki forced a smile; she really wasn't in the mood for this.

"Please, Nikki. We're all off duty," Nikki said.

"So will you and ET be joining us at the pub?" Janelle inquired.

ET looked at his wife, trying to read her expression.

"Well…" ET started

"Josh…" Nikki started quietly, hand resting on her stomach "Home please?"

ET nodded

"Sorry Lieutenant, it's been a long day at the office," apologised Nikki

"I understand Nikki. And please Janelle or Nav is fine"

Nikki winced at the use of her nickname.

ET noticed, placed his hand on the small of her back and gently led her towards the Navcom carpark.

After handing over her keys ET helped Nikki into her car, his hand going behind her head.

"Home Sweet Home," ET sighed shutting the door behind him.

"Shower," announced Nikki.

A short time later Nikki padded into the living room with her PJs on.

"Josh?"

"Kitchen," he replied as he walked into the living room bearing dinner. "Food?"

"Arg…" Nikki shook her head and turned away feeling slightly nauseous.

"Nikki? What's up bub?"

"Nothing…" she replied trying to keep her lunch down.

"Bub?" Josh was starting to worry.

The smell of food became too much for Nikki as she went rushing to the bathroom.

"Nikki!" Josh followed her towards the bathroom as the door slammed in his face. He heard it lock.

Ten minutes later Nikki emerged pale and trembling. That was all Josh needed. He scooped her up bridal style and headed for their bedroom.

"Sorry," she mumbled against his neck.

"What for?"

"Shutting the door…it's been a long, lonely three weeks"

"Oh bub," soothed Josh as he placed her on the bed. "It's okay. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you," he finished as he helped her under the sheets.

Tears welled up in her eyes as Josh positioned himself behind her and slipped his arm around her waist. He started to gently rubbed circles on her stomach with his free hand hoping it would settle her down.

And that was the start of a long night.

~*~*~  
Not too sure about the story...but there it is


	2. Chapter 2

Nikki grimaced as she walked into her office at Navcom the next morning. 'Lieutenant Nikki Caetano' – she really need to get that sign change, talk about slow moving, Yet another thing on the ever growing list of things to do.

She hated leaving Josh when he was on shore leave and she wasn't feeling well. She had been hoping for a good nights sleep since Josh was home.

"Morning sickness…" she scoffed, hers seemed to hit her at night.

'Poor Josh,' she thought 'It's been a long three weeks, rough boarding's. And he comes home and ends up spending the night awake with me.'

She glanced at the pile of paperwork on her desk. Currently she was organizing a Navigational Refreshers Course for Patrol Boats.

A knock on her door drew her out of her thoughts some time later.

"Lieutenant Caetano?" a voice asked uncertainly, obviously unsure how to pronounce her maiden name.

"Yes," she answered. "And it's Lieutenant Holiday now. Ignore the sign, it's old…" she trailed off as she looked up to see Janelle Clarkson standing in her doorway.

"Sorry…thought I'd met you. You looked familiar, Josh's wife?"

"Yeah." Nikki again forced a smile. She never liked being referred to as 'Josh's wife' at work. "What can I do for you lieutenant?"

"Just wanted to give you these forms for the Nav course. I didn't know you were formally a navigator, Josh never said."

"And the best one around," Josh's voice joined the conversation.

"ET," Janelle greeted "You know I never linked up you and Leut Holiday on these forms," she laughed.

Josh joined in with her. "Yeah most people don't. To most people she's still Nikki Caetano, best navigator ever," he said proudly, glint in his eyes.

Nikki frowned, they were getting on her nerves, she had work to do.

"So Leut, have you been a navigator long?" Nikki inquired, hoping they would leave her in peace soon.

"Not long, a few years," was the reply.

"Brilliant though," Josh put in.

"Leading Seaman is there anything I can help you with? Paperwork perhaps?" Nikki asked, eyeballing her husband and reminding him of her superior rank.

"Huh?" Josh asked stunned at the coldness of her tone.

"Well I best be going," Janelle announced. "Lieutenant, thank you very much. ET I'll see you on the Hammersley," she threw over her shoulder as she left.

"Nikki?"

"Out ET," she ordered, her tone was making him worry.

He walked behind her desk, crouching down to her level.

"Nikki, what's up?" he asked rubbing his hand up and down her back.

"Tired and sick. And I want sleep"

"Okay then, you're going home sick. I'm going to see Marshall and when we get home you're going to put your feet up and I'll make lunch. Something simple."

"I can't go home Josh. Today's my last day before my week of leave. And I need to finish sorting out these course forms."

"But Nikki you're not helping anyone by being here. Especially not yourself."

"Leading Seaman Holiday, this is not up for negotiation." Nikki ordered, her tone and use of rank left Josh with nowhere to go. He couldn't disobey an order.

Without a word Josh rose and went to kiss Nikki, who turned her head at the last moment so his lips caught her cheek. Her demeanor was cold, there was no point trying to reason with her.

"I'll see you at home tonight," Josh said walking out the door.

"Bye"

Nikki kept face until she heard the door shut. Groaning she let her head fall forward onto her desk

~*~*~


	3. Chapter 3

Nikki sighed as she threw her keys on the kitchen bench after a long day at work. Her briefcase went flying across the room and nearly hit Josh as he walked in from the dining room.

"Nik? Bub? Everything okay?"

"Oh Josh, I'm so sorry, it's just been such a long day" her eyes welling up with tears.

Josh proceeded over to her, but she backed away.

"Josh, I just need a shower"

"But Nikki…something's wrong, we need to talk"

"Later Josh"

"Well do you want something for dinner?"

"No. I'm meeting Kate and Bec for dinner at the pub later"

"At the pub? Is that really a good idea Nikki?"

"Josh," Nikki warned.

Josh knew better than to argue with her. He knew she was being irrational; he just needed to get to the bottom of what was wrong. He needed to talk to her, just get her to open up. Like she used to. He watched as she walked away, trying desperately to think what could have trigged this.

Soon afterwards Nikki was rushing out the door, barely a goodbye in Josh's direction. Josh hurried to the door.

"Bye, I'll see you when you get back. Drive safely. I love…" as the front door slammed in his face, "you…" he lamely finished.

Groaning in frustration, he fished out his mobile. Scrolling down his contact list he found the person he was looking for, he hit dial.  
'God let Nikki forgive me,' he prayed as the phone began to ring.

"Swain? Hi it's ET, sorry to ring…it's just Nikki…no she's fine, well I say fine…look Swain have you got time for a drink? I'd really appreciate it…Cheers…yeah usual place, see you soon…bye"

After scribbling Nikki a note, just in case she got back first, he grabbed his keys and went rushing out the door.

Nikki smiled as Kate and Bomber walked towards her.

'God I miss them,' she thought

"Girls," she shouted, throwing her arms around both of them as they neared. "It's been too long since we've done this"

"Well we should go around to Bomber's each shore leave. I'm sure she'll cook," teased Kate

"Oi..." protested Bomber "So shall we go in?"

"I was thinking there's this nice Italian place down the road. So may be we could head down there and catch up? I've made a reservation" Nikki asked hopefully.

Kate and Bomber looked at each other. This wasn't like Nikki, she usually liked the pub, easy and simple.

"Sure, why not?" Bomber commented.

Arriving at the restaurant, Nikki greeted the waiter at the door.

"Hi, booking for Caetano?"

After a moment the waiter nodded.

"Certainly ma'am, booking for three? Please come this way."

Bomber looked worriedly at Kate.

"Caetano?" she whispered "It isn't like Nikki to use her maiden name anymore."

"Bec, leave it. I'm sure she'll tell what's on her mind," Kate whispered back.

"So…" Nikki started as soon as they were seated. "How is everything on the Hammersley?"

"Same old, same old. Nothing much has changed," Kate said

"Oh…what about the new navigator? What's her name?...Clarkson?" Nikki asked

"She's fine. Good at her job, she's no you, but she hasn't crashed the ship yet," Kate joked, as she perused the menu. "Oh the Linguine looks nice," she commented "What are you two looking at?"

"The Szechwan Duck looks good," Bomber said "What about you Nik?"

"Hmm…may be the Avocado Assiette?" Nikki replied

"Nav…Nikki that's an appetizer. That's not dinner" Bomber scolded.

Nikki winced at the use of 'Nav', she just couldn't shake that unfamiliar feeling, one she just couldn't place.

"But I'm not that hungry…what about if I get a Chicken Caesar as well? Would that be okay chef?" Nikki asked sarcastically.

"Fine," Bomber grinned back.

Both Bomber and Kate again looked worriedly at Nikki after they had placed their orders. Nikki had side-stepped their questions and had refused to order any alcohol. That wasn't Nikki, she could drink with the best of them.

By the time their plates were on the table, Bomber was fed up.

"Okay, spill Nikki. What's going on?" Bomber demanded

"What do you mean?" Nikki asked.

"What do I mean?" she said insidiously. "What I mean is, Caetano? You never use that name anymore. It's always Holiday now…"

"Well check out my name plate on the office door at Navcom…so I said Caetano, it's still my name," Nikki shot back becoming defensive.

Kate laid a hand on Nikki's forearm, trying to calm her down.

"Well I'm not done. What's going on Nikki? You're shutting us out…And no alcohol? You never pass up a drink," Bomber continued.

Nikki had gone passed boiling point.

"I'm pregnant!" she bawled.

Bomber and Kate looked at her, mouths open.

"I wasn't meant to say anything. Josh is going to kill me," she whispered, looking down at her hand, wringing her wedding rings.

"I can't do this," she stated and promptly burst into tears.

~*~*~


	4. Chapter 4

Josh tip-toed through his front door much later that night and headed straight for the shower, assuming that Nikki was already in bed.

As he wandered back into the bedroom, he switched on the dimmer light and found Nikki no where in sight. Stopping, he listened more carefully to see if there was any noises in the house to alert him to her whereabouts. He was sure her car was parked in the garage.

Heading back out to the living room her switched the light on and moved over to the side window to check if Nikki's car was there. Indeed it was. He stood at the window for a moment pondering where she might be. May be there would be a note in the kitchen for him.

As he whirled around intent on checking the kitchen, when he spotted Nikki curled up on the couch, arms wrapped around her middle. Josh smiled at the sight, remembering why he loved her so.

Striding over to the couch, Josh picked her up, hoping she wouldn't stir. As he did, Nikki mumbled incoherently and instinctively wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Josh," she mumbled sleepily.

"Shh...Sleep," he lulled her, almost as if her was talking to his baby. "Shh."

Nikki stirred slightly as he tucked her into bed, but quickly settled. Josh pressed a light kiss to her temple and smoothed her hair out of her face.

"Night Bub," he whispered as he left the room, dimming the lights to a soft glow.

Downstairs Josh made a cup of coffee and sat out on the outdoor setting Nikki and he had recently purchased. He thought back over his night. Nikki was likely to kill him when she found out what he had done tonight. Well at least, that's what he thought she was going to do.

They had plans, a way of telling their friends about the baby. Since he was on shore leave and Nikki had a weeks holiday, they had planned on having the crew around for dinner and announcing it then. And Josh had just blown it, but he needed someone to talk to.

*Flashback*  
Swain met ET out the front of the pub right on time. ET was nervously tapping his foot and glancing around. A nervous habit that didn't stop when they sat down, beer in hand.

"ET, something up mate?" Swain inquired.

"Nothing...much?" was the nervous reply. Josh was racking his brain on a way to put everything.

"Well you sounded fairly agitated on the phone, something about Nikki?"

"Hmmm..."

"Are you two going okay?"

"Yeah. Of course we are, never better."

"So...spit it out ET."

"Nikki's pregnant."

"Oh...Congratulations mate!" came Swain's enthusiastic response.

ET didn't reply, just looked down into his beer.

"Is this not something you want Josh?" Swain asked.

ET's head shot up at the use of his christen name.

"It's not that Swaino...I'm over the moon, couldn't be happier..." he said trailing off.

"Could have fooled me," Swain muttered.

It's just Nikki...I don't know what's going on. She completely shut me out. I just don't know what to do!"

"Mate...calm it down and think about it. Of course she's shutting you out and not on purpose I'm willing to bet."

"What do you mean?" ET interrupted.

"Well...Through no fault of yours or hers, Nikki's by herself and by the way you just told me your news I'm assuming they two of you haven't told anyone yet?"

"Just our families," confirmed ET

"Then she's just trying to cope. Nikki's probably trying to adjust to everything. She's by herself a fair bit. And that's not to say you aren't going to be the same, trying to adjust to everything. May be not in the same way, but still juggling thoughts and feelings. It's a big enough adjustment having kids, let alone when you're at sea and she's here..."

"So..."

"And also add to that she's probably still adjusting to having a shore posting. Was this the factor that sent her back to land?"

"No, she decided...or we decided that it was easier if we weren't on two different boats. It was too hard coordinating our schedules. And it was easier for her to get a shore posting, she's an officer and would get a better job at NavCom. And she's making a difference where she is, more than I ever would. We found out about the pregnancy later.

"So that's probably another factor that's weighing down on her. Think about it Josh! She's gone from the Hammersley to the HMAS Sydney, trying to make everything work there. Trying to balance her professional and personal life, fitting in a wedding, and then going from the Sydney to a shore posting. All in two short years. None of that is very easy. You should know how hard it is to change boats."

"So may be I should take a shore posting? I would make life easier for her. Knowing that I'm there to help. Be around for her."

"Just be careful ET. It's got to be something you want to do. Nikki might find that hard to deal with, may be in some way blame herself for taking you away from the sea. She made the decision to take a shore posting, but by taking you away from sea as well...It's a massive thing. The sea is a big part of your life ET. You need to talk to her, just let her know you are there for her, supporting her."

"I just feel like there's nothing I can do."

"You just need to be there for her mate. I know what you're going through. And on the bright side, Nikki's been there. She's been out on the boat and everything you're going through when we're out at sea. And she must be excited about your promotion."

"I haven't told her yet," admitted ET

"Reason?"

"It's been a rough two days. Everything seemed to be piling up, I couldn't overload her. I was planning on telling her tonight, but she's out with the X and Bomber. May be I could plan something for her, something special to tell her."

"That could help you get her to open up to you...Something romantic, could be perfect. Let her know you still love her."

"That was never a question Swain."

"But she's pregnant, she's probably got all sorts of things going through her head and showering her with affection is going to win you brownie points. Pregnant women are not the most rational people in the world," laughed Swain.

"She's getting sick most nights. So I was thinking a living room picnic," mused ET.

"A living room picnic?" Swain sounded confused.

"Yeah...I proposed in what is now our living room. I had this big plan of proposing down at the beach, during a night picnic we used to do. All planned and everything, got down to the beach, had just sat down and it started to pour. So off we went home, I was thinking I'd have to propose another time, but when we got back, there was no electricity, so we had this picnic in the living room with all these candles and it was just the most perfect time," finished ET

"So picnic is probably a good idea. And if morning sickness is hitting her, keep the food simple," advised Swain.

"Thanks Swain, for everything. I just needed to tell someone."

"Any time ET. I've been there, done that. I won't lie, it's not going to be easier. But it's worth it. And tell Nik that Sal's around, any time she needs to talk or needs anything we're both around," offered Swain.  
*End Flashback*

Josh looked down into his empty cup, thinking about everything Swain had told him.

After placing his cup in the kitchen, Josh made his way into the bedroom. Snuggling up to Nikki, he sighed.

"It's all going to be okay Bub," he whispered, dropping a kiss on her head through her hair. "Everything."

~*~*~


	5. Chapter 5

Nikki yawned and stretched out in bed the next morning. She didn't remember falling asleep in bed last night. The last thing she remembered was sitting on the couch waiting for Josh to get home. A wave of guilt washed over her, she knew she was shutting him out, but she had to. Josh wouldn't understand, she was always the strong one, the one with no problems. She could keep up a farced for a week, it would be okay. And she would find time to talk to Sally about things, and catch up with Kate and Bomber again. She really missed those girly chats they had.

She slowly slid up, feeling slightly nauseous. New feeling for this time of the morning. Sliding a hand across to the other side of the bed she found that Josh's side of the bed was not only empty, but the sheets were cold too.

'He must have gone for a run,' she reasoned in her head. That's what he did when he needed to think.

Just as she thought about getting up, Josh poked his head in the door.

"Hey you're up," Josh said sounded surprised. "I thought you might have slept for a lot longer, you didn't stir when I got up."

"Morning, still tired," she admitted, making moves to get up.

"No, stay there," ordered Josh, fully stepping in to the room, laden down with a breakfast tray. He slid onto the bed, placing the tray on the bedside table. Nikki craned her neck over to spy a tray complete with buttered breakfast muffins, a small bowl of jam, possibly strawberry her favourite, a couple of dry biscuits, a banana, bottle of water, orange juice and a single cup of coffee.

"Mm…" grinned Nikki "What's this for?"

"Do I need a reason to spoil my wife?" Josh cheekily asked.

"No…a girl could get used to this though."

"Nothing's too good for my princess," Josh replied thinking back to his conversation with Swain. He was going to let her open up with time. "What would you like first?"

"Umm…" she mused glancing over everything again, thinking about how she had been feeling. "Just a biscuit and water to start please."

Josh looked at her, worry showing on his face.

"Are you feeling okay Bub?"

"Yeah, was feeling a little light headed when I got up. Stop worrying Josh," she chided leaning over to give him a kiss. "Now hand over that food."

Josh handed over the food and waited until she was settled before starting on his breakfast. He had barely lifted the coffee off the table before Nikki started to gag.

"Nik?"

"Coffee…" she managed to get out before dashing to the bathroom.

Remembering what had happened the other night, Josh wisely gathered up the breakfast dishes and headed out to the kitchen and dumping the coffee down the sink. Then off he went to the bathroom, where he found Nikki, head resting on the side of the bathtub.

"Nikki? Okay if I come in?"

"Sure," she managed weakly.

"Oh Bub I'm sorry" he said as he bent down gathering her into a hug, running his hand up and down her back. "Bedroom or somewhere else?"

"Bedroom please," came the reply.

"Okay," he said, helping her up. She was still unsteady on her feet, so Josh placed his arm around her waist for support.

"I'll be back in a tick," he told her, once he had helped her back into bed.

As soon as Josh left the room, Nikki burst into tears. She hated feeling like this, she had this feeling of hopelessness and she hated it. She was so used to being in control and confident of everything she did, but now everything was out of her control. And this was how Josh found her when he walked back in with a cup of tea.

"Nikki?" he said, rushing over to the bed. "Bub, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry, it's nothing."

"It's not nothing," he gently said "It's okay, cry all you want, it's good for you. Just let it out Nikki," he soothed

"Josh, I'm sorry," she sobbed "Everything…I'm sorry for everything. I told Kate and Bomber about the baby last night, I ruined all our plans," wiping her tears away.

Josh lightly laughed. Nikki snapped, her emotions were all over the place. She went from teary to mad with the snap of her fingers.

"I'm glad you find this funny, Joshua," she said harshly.

"No, no, it's not that Nikki…I told Swaino last night too," he admitted "I should be apologizing to you."

Nikki's teary eyes looked up at Josh, she still couldn't bring herself to talk openly with him. What was happening to her? This was her husband, they talked about everything.

"Josh…" she called out a short while later to get his attention "I'm going for a shower, thanks for breakfast, even if it didn't work out."

"Okay. What about we camp out on the couch and watch a movie or something?" suggested Josh.

"Mmm…" agreed Nikki, nodding her head, all the while her mind was screaming at her that this might help her to actually talk to him. 

Later that morning the pair were curled up on the couch watching a movie. Josh had thrown a rug over Nikki's lower half to keep her warm and wrapped his arms around her tummy, caressing her bump, while she was absent mildly playing with his wedding band, slowly nodding off. She could live with this, pushing all of her scared thoughts and problems out of her mind, just living in the moment.

She was pulled out of her thoughts when the doorbell rang. Josh slid out from behind her to answer it and she immediately missed the warm contact. Before she could even think about anything else Josh returned with Swain, Sally and Chloe in tow. Nikki grinned, she really did need to talk.

"Hi all," she greeted.

"Hey you…Congratulations" Sally excitedly said, pulling her friend into a close hug. "We need to talk," she whispered into Nikki's ear.

"Ma'am, sorry I told Sal about the baby," said Swain.

"Swain, now what have we said about that? It's Nikki," Nikki playful reprimanded.

"Au'ty Nikk," Chloe demanded attention, trying to climb up on the couch to hug her Aunty Nikki.

"Up you go Coco," Josh told the little girl, boosting her up on the couch. "I was just going to show Swain the proposed nursery and pick his brain for ideas. Can I get you anything first Sally?" Josh asked, ever the gentleman, trying to stay in his wife's good book.

Sally smiled at this. "No I'm fine, thanks ET."

Sally waited until the boys had disappeared and heard the nursery door shut.

"So?" inquired Sally

"What?" Nikki innocently said, trying to act as if nothing was wrong

"Nikki, spill. I know you. You don't actually look happy about all of this." Sally said diplomatically.

"It's not that Sal. I am happy, I really am," Nikki stated, trying to keep her eyes from tearing up. "It's just that…" trailing off.

"Nik? Hun take your time."

"It's just that…it's so many things Sal, it feels like everything…I went out for dinner with Kate and Bomber last night and I completely lost it. This isn't right Sal, I'm so much better than all of this, I can keep it together, not lose it over my petty thoughts."

"Nikki," said Sally as her leant over to place her hand on Nikki's arm and looking her straight in the face. "It's okay to ask for help, you don't need to think you have to take on the world alone."

"I know it's just…" Nikki said, smoothing down Chloe's light hair. "Sal I'm so lost. Everything's changing and I can't stop it."

"Have you spoken to Josh?"

Nikki shook her head.

"Your family? His family? Anyone at all?"

Nikki's teary eyes meet her.

"Nik," she sympathicly said, drawing Nikki into a hug, trying not to squash Chloe who was hanging onto her Aunty Nikki. "You know you can call me, anytime day or night. Do you want to talk about it now?"

"Yeah, may be it will help to sort my head out."

"Okay, just let me get rid of our boys," spoke Sal as she wandered off with Chloe to find the two men, giving Nikki time to compose herself.

The gang returned a short time later, Chloe in her father's arms looking happy about something.

"Au'ty Nikki," she said "Unclie Josh is taking me for ice-cream,' she exclaimed happily.

"Oh are you lucky Chlo?" Nikki replied, holding out her arms for a quick hug, which Chloe returned.

"Would you like me to bring some back?" Josh asked carefully.

Nikki shook her head. Josh lent over to kiss her and hug her, trying to push the worry out of his mind as he saw her red teary eyes. She would be okay with Sally. Sally was sure to help her as much as Swain did for him. They were so lucky to have friends like the Blake's.

"Nikki," Swain called out as they left.

Within minutes the two girls were settled down in the comfy chairs of the living room armed with chocolate, tissues and a cup of tea each. Sally had also placed a couple of dry biscuits on the coffee table, just in case.

"Okay Nik, just take your time," advised Sal

"Okay…it's just so rambled…I'm so used to knowing where I am and who I am. And suddenly I don't know anything anymore. I just don't know…I can't do this," Nikki started, as tears welled up in her eyes.

"You can't what?"

"I don't know if I can do anything Sal. I don't know if I can cope, with a baby. What do I know about being a parent? How do I do this without Josh? Last night, just sobbing and blubbering in a restaurant, that isn't me. I shocked the life out of Kate and Bomber, I mean they were sweet, trying to tell me that everything would be okay…But I just don't believe them. As much as I would normally talk to them, especially Bomber, they have no idea what it's like."

"Nikki, I can sympathize with some of what you're going through," Sally told her, inwardly thanking her lucky stars that Chris had filled her in with what was going on. "I can remember how hard it is with your husband away at sea, it's almost like you're being a single parent, but the part that I think you might be also feeling is the part that you're away from the sea, I'm not in that position, but if you want to talk it out Nikki, just let it all out. No matter how jumbled you might think it is."

"Sal, this is something I want. A baby…I've dreamed about this. Hasn't every girl?"

Sally nodded her head, allowing Nikki to continue.

"But I never planned on falling in love with Josh…I wouldn't ever have it any other way now, but I would have never guessed that I would marry a navy man who was on a boat and away at sea. And the part about having a shore posting…it's hard to get used to. I was at sea for a long time, it's a steep learning curve."

"Of course it is hun, and no one thinks you should have it all understood and be okay with everything right now. Being pregnant is one of the biggest experiences you'll ever have in life, if not the biggest. It's okay that you're not okay with everything. I reckon every woman goes through the same feelings to a certain extent, I know I did. You're not superwoman Nikki Holiday."

"Nikki Holiday," scoffed Nikki.

"What? Problem with your name?" Sally asked slightly shocked. Nikki had always seemed comfortable with the name change.

"Just something that came up in the last few days. Who am I? Nikki Caetano? Nikki Holiday? Who am I? What defines me?"

"I know Shakespeare wrote 'What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet' but may be you see your name as your identity. Your choice or ET's choice to take his name?"

"Josh never pushed me," Nikki said shakily, still trying to stop the tears. "We talked about it. He was okay with me keeping Caetano, but me being me, I was determined to take his name, it meant a lot to me. Just a symbol of the togetherness of us, our commitment to each other…"

"Nikki, it's okay to be scared…But the only way you are going to be okay with this is if you actually talk to Josh."

"I can't, it's all wrong. I feel like I'm going to be a single mother. I'm 12 weeks pregnant and Josh hasn't been around for a lot of it. He was here for the doctor's appointment, then out to sea for 4 weeks, back for week and then gone again for another three weeks and came home barely two days ago. And all I've done since then is shut him out. If I can't cope with him around, how will I cope without him here. And he's going to hate me if I was to say that I'm like a single mother, it's like I don't want him here or it's all his fault that he's not around. And I don't want him to take a shore posting just for me right now. He's got some much more to achieve out there, he shouldn't be confined to land, it's not right."

"You need to talk to him about all of that."

"A family is what I've always wanted, it was always in my life plan. You know the 'get married, have a family and then go back to work later on'. It's what I want, but now I'm here I've got no control," she sobbed "I'm not getting anywhere Sal."

"Yes you are Nikki. You're talking about it. Now you just need to use that self-confidence I know you have and talk to Josh about everything. May be not in one go, just talk about what's pressuring you and let everything flow from there. He's going to understand. He loves you."

"But why Sal? Why would he love me?"

"Because he does" Sal said cutting her off, remembering what it was like to feel insecure when she was pregnant with Chloe. "He loves you, he's crazy about you Nik, and he's going to be there for you no matter what, you've got to believe that," reassured Sal.

Nikki smiled through her tears.

"You've just got to take it one step at a time Nikki and believe me Josh will be there every step of the way. Nothing's going to hold him back, it's just who he is. You just need to believe in yourself again and talk to your husband. Otherwise it's going to stress you out and that's not good for the baby. Remember it's not just about you two anymore."

"Yeah," Nikki quietly murmured, resting her hand on her tummy. "I'll talk to him," she decided, more to herself than anything else. "Now," she announced, wiping her eyes "How about a movie?"

"What about a chick flick, since we're husbandless?" Sal said, glad that Nikki was finally opening up, hopefully things would be better soon.

"I've got it _PS I Love You_," said Nikki, "That way we've got a reason for the tears."

Sally smiled and nodded as Nikki loaded the movie. "Perfect!"

Quarter of the way through Sally glanced over at Nikki to see how she was holding up to find she had dozed off. Sally grinned knowingly, remembering the tiredness that accompanied pregnancy. Standing up Sally placed the previously discarded rug over Nikki. Hoping that Nikki would talk to Josh, Sally sat back down believing that things would start looking up for the young couple. Silently Sally made a pact to herself to check up on Nikki regularly sure to make sure that she was okay. 'Just being a good friend,' Sally told herself turning back to the movie.

And that's how the boys and Chloe found them an hour later, Sally smiling over everything and Nikki fast asleep.

~*~*~


	6. Chapter 6

"That's a lot of food Bub," Josh said as Nikki walked in loaded down with shopping bags a few days later. "Is there anything left in the shops?" he teased.

Nikki smiled; things had been less tense around the Holiday house since Nikki had spoken to Sally. She still hadn't spoken to Josh about everything, but things were definitely less tense.

"Well smartie," she teased back "Since you're standing there, there's more food in the car."

"Nikki, what's with all the food?" he inquired, placing the last of the shopping bags on the floor.

"The crew are coming over for dinner," Nikki told him. "Well most of the crew. The CO can't make it. Something about his niece's birthday, I think."

"Bub? You really up for this?" Josh asked, thinking about the plans he had for them tonight.

"Josh? Why wouldn't I?"

"It's just…you look really tired. And cooking…I don't want you overdoing anything," saying the first thing that came to his mind.

"Joshua Holiday, it's 4.30 in the afternoon. People are coming over in a few hours, there is no way we are cancelling dinner now," scolded Nikki.

Josh actually physically stepped back, seeing a glimpse of the Nikki who had been shutting him out. Not wanting to make things worse, he busied himself putting shopping away.

Josh walked back in a short time later, finding Nikki had spread out all of her food preparations on the breakfast bench. She looked frantic, he knew the look only too well, but she wasn't moving at a frantic pace. If anything she was moving like she was ready to curl up and sleep.

"Bub?" Josh called out to get her attention. "Nikki?" still she seemed lost in her own world. It was almost as if walking in the kitchen was taking all of her concentration and energy

"Nik?" Josh again called out, as he approached her, moving to tap her gently on the arm.

"Oh…Josh," Nikki replied startled.

"Nikki, go and have a nap before you fall over," Josh told her.

"But…Dinner," protested Nikki, who was really too tired to even formulate any type of argument.

"I can cook…You aren't good to anyone if you're tired, especially not to our little Button," he told her, leading her out of the kitchen.

"But…"

"Shh…" lightly placing a finger on her lips. "Now, rest for a while."

"My dinner menu Josh," she continued to object.

"What was the plan? I do know how to cook Nik."

"Well…Tagliatelle with spinach, mascarpone and parmesan, Baked Mushroom with garlic and thyme, and those Chocolate pots," she finished.

"Nikki, I can do that. I also know where the cook books are, if I need them."

"And use the white espresso cups for the chocolate pots, they are in…"

"Yes, I know where they are," he said leading Nikki into the bedroom, drawing the blinds.

"And you'll call me if you need me?"

"Yes!"

"And you won't forget to finish the pasta in the sauce so it gives it more flavour?"

"Yes!"

"And…"

"Mrs Holiday!" Josh growled, cutting her off "I'll be fine, I can cook and I won't burn the house down. Now please put your head down, I'll call you if you're not awake on time," he ended, kissing her and leaving before she could say anything more. Nikki was asleep before her head hit the pillow. 

A few hours later, Josh was just finishing up the washing up, everything else finished. The mushrooms were in the oven, only needing to be quickly cooked when everyone arrived, the pasta was simmering and dessert was in the fridge setting. He was just double checking the pasta, thinking he would go and wake Nikki after he was finished, when the doorbell rang. Checking the clock, he found whoever it was at the door was at least 45 minutes early.

Opening the door he found the Blake's standing on his doorstep.

"You're early!" he said sounding surprised

"Yeah I know," replied Swain "But Sal here insisted coming over early to see if you guys needed help."

"Well I think I've got everything under control. Nikki's actually asleep; I was just about to go wake her. But come in, come in," Josh told them, moving out of the doorway. "Make yourselves at home; I'll go check on Nikki."

Josh walked into their bedroom to find Nikki awake, obviously just haven woken up as she was still lying down.

"Hey," he greeted softly, sitting down on the edge of the bed "Swain and Sal are here, but everything is under control. You feeling better?"

Nikki nodded, surprisingly not freaking out that the Blake's were early.

"So why don't you get ready. Sal said to take your time, no rush," he advised her.

Nikki smiled as Josh left to entertain their guests.

'Tomorrow. After tonight,' she told herself. 'After tonight I'll talk to him.' 

When Nikki headed into living room a while later, the room was full of the Hammersley crew.

"Hey," Josh whispered in her ear, coming over to hug her and then leaving his arm resting around her waist.

"Hey everybody," Nikki called out "Sorry about my lateness," she apologized

The others greeted her, mingling around.

"Aun'y Nik, Aun'y Nikki," little Chloe called out, tugging on Nikki's pants. Josh lent down to pick her up.

"No!" grumbled Chloe "No Unclie Josh, I want Aun'y Nikki," struggling to hug Nikki from Josh's arms, trying to strech over.

Leaning over, Nikki took Chloe from her husband. "See I'm wanted," she teased Josh.

Sidling up her husband, Sally whispered in Swain's ear "No matter what either of them thinks, they're going to make great parents."

Swain smiled as he turned to look at the pair with his daughter.

"Hey," called out Spider "Most of the crew is here, but where's Nav?"

"Over there with Chloe, it's her house remember?" Buffer told him.

"No, Janelle. Our navigator," Spider replied

"Oh…" that shook Nikki's mood "I didn't have her number, sorry guys. Next time," Nikki told everyone.

"Oh," Spider sounded disappointed, sticking his lower lip out. "Man, wish she was here. Cool gal, missing the party"

Sally walked over to Nikki for support. Running a hand over Chloe's back, she murmured to Nikki "It's okay, your house, enjoy your dinner."

In the meantime Chloe seemed like she was on a mission, she was struggling to get out of Nikki's arms. "Aun'y Nikki," she whined, trying to get Nikki attention away from the conversation that Nikki had started with Bomber and Kate. "Aun'y Nikki, down!"

Nikki grinned amused as she watched Chloe toddle off in search of something. Turning back to her conversation it wasn't long before Chloe was tugging on her pant legs again.

"Aun'y Nikki, present. Come sit," Chloe told her. Nikki had very little choice but to follow the young Blake. Pulling Chloe on to her lap as she sat down, she settled back against a sea of cushions.

"Where's Unclie Josh?" questioned Chloe.

"Josh?" Nikki called out "Chloe wants you!"

"Kitchen, coming," he replied, passing over an oven mitt to Sally, who offered to check on the food.

"What's up pumpkin?" Josh asked kneeling down to Chloe's level on the couch.

"Present!" said Chloe, reaching over to pass a wrapped parcel to Nikki.

"Oh! What's this?" Nikki asked

"Present!" insisted Chloe "Open."

Swain looked over at the trio, searching for his daughter. When he saw what was happening, he was torn whether to make a scene and stop his daughter or go hide. He decided to find Sally in the kitchen.

"Sally?" he called out entering the kitchen "Chloe's just given that present to Nikki."

"Oh no…" Sally expressed, hurrying back into the living room, only to find Nikki about to open it. Nothing she could do now.

Nikki peeled back the wrapping paper to find a soft teddy bed complete with a seaman's uniform.

"See Aun'y Nikki, Navy bear for baby!" Chloe squealed loudly.

The whole room stopped to look at Nikki and Josh. Nikki turned to look at Sally and Swain

"Sorry," mouthed Sally

Turning back to Josh, she just nodded her head.

"Surprise!" Josh started

"Well that wasn't really the plan, but I'm 12 weeks pregnant," announced Nikki.

Silence…

"Dinner's ready!" announced Josh, to break the tension.

That loosened everyone up…People rushed over to the couple to congratulate them, Swain picking up Chloe, so she didn't get squashed.

As everyone made their way into the dinner room, Nikki made her way over to Sally.

"Thank you Sal for the bear, it's perfect," she said, hugging Sally

"I'm so, so sorry. Chloe wanted to give you a bear. It was meant for later, when no one else was around. I'm sorry," Sally apologized.

"Sally, don't worry, it's fine. It's not your fault."

Nikki smiled at Josh, who moved over behind his wife wrapping his arms her.

"Perfect," she whispered.

'Well at least that's what I can believe for tonight,' she said in her head

*sigh* Hmmm...I know where I'm heading with the story line, it's just trying to get all the little other parts to fall into place.


	7. Chapter 7

Nikki glided through her front door the next day, searching through her handbag, after spending the day shopping with Sally and her sister-in-law, Kylie.

"Josh," she called out.

"Hey you," he greeted "What'cha looking for?" he asked, kissing her as when she looked up at him.

"Nothing important. There's stuff in the car if you could get it out please?"

Josh nodded and headed out, in the meantime, Nikki headed to her bedroom to get into something more comfortable.

'3, 2, 1…' Nikki silently counted down in her head.

"Nikki!" Josh shouted, coming back into the house with too many bags "What is all this?"

"Shopping!" she replied, plastering a sweet smile on her face.

"Did you kill our credit card?"

"May be? But it's all very important. Which reminds me, I need bigger whites,"

"All of it? Do you need all of it?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah…everything! It's all for Button." Since they didn't know whether the baby was a girl or boy, they didn't want to call her or him it, so Josh came up with the nickname Button.

"All of it," he repeated "Even this?" he asked, pulling out a blue dress.

"Technically…my clothes are starting to feel a bit snug," she whimpered, hand resting lightly on her tummy.

Josh couldn't believe the change in her emotions. Sweet to crying in 0.2 seconds. What to do? How fast everything was going.

"Aww…Nikki, come here, " placing the bags down and pulling her into a hug. "Now you head into the living room and have a rest, I'll put this in the spare room," gently pushing her towards the living room.

Rushing back towards Nikki, Josh smiled hoping his plan would work. Passing the kitchen he grabbed a basket. Sliding along the floor, he found Nikki asleep on the couch. Quickly he drew the curtains, the sun was nearly down, giving the living room a nice glow. After laying a blanket down on the floor, he spread out the food. Taking Swain's advice Josh had kept it simple. Lighting some candles on the mantle, he turned on some music. Michael Bublé came on.

'Perfect,' he thought 'Just like that night.'

"Nikki," he whispered into Nikki's ear, tenderly trying to wake. "Bub?" shaking her softly.

"Mmm…" came Nikki's muffled reply. "Sleep"

Josh was in two minds about waking her, one of she needs her sleep, but the other they needed to talk and he had been postponing this and she would be going back to work in a few days and he too would be back out to sea.

"Nikki," he insisted.

Helping her up into a sitting position, Nikki's mouth dropped at the sight before her.

"Déjà vu," she whispered. "What's this for?" she asked "Proposing again?"

"No, but you need some pampering Bub. And here I am at your service," helping her down into a sitting position on the floor "Comfortable?"

"Very," she replied, snuggling back into Josh. "Perfect, what did I do to deserve you?" she asked tilting her head back up towards him, leaning up for a kiss.

"You mean, what did _I_ do?"

"So what do we have here?"

"Simple foods. Sandwiches with cheese. Cracker biscuits with dip if you can handle it. Ummm…Ginger tea. No coffee! And fruit salad for dessert."

"Mmm," Nikki replied licking her lips.

After finishing their meal, the two sat in a comfortable silence. It had been a while since they had been comfortable, but even still they was a tension that hung in the air. Moving the dishes to one side, Josh pulled Nikki closer. _Moondance_ started to play softly in the background. Nikki turned to Josh, a smile adoring her face, remembering their wedding night.

"Dance?" she asked.

Helping her up, he held her protectively as they swayed to the music. 'This was it,' thought Nikki 'It's now or never.'

"Josh?" looking up at him, gazing into the blue orbs she fell in love with, reaching a hand up to his blond locks. "Josh, we need to talk"

"This can't be good," he joked.

Nikki pulled away from him, Josh went to grab her arms.

"Nikki, I'm sorry. I'm a muppet," turning her around, towards him, trying to make her smile. "Hey, hey, what's wrong bub?" as tears started to well in Nikki's eyes.

"Josh…It's just…it's just," she started sob.

"Hey, hey, hey," he whispered, gently lowering the two of them to the ground. "Take your time, it's just me," he reassured.

"It's just…it's everything Josh…I don't know where to start…" she blubbered.

"At the beginning," he murmured, running a hand through her long hair. "Take your time," placing a kiss on the crown of her head.

"I don't know if I can do this"

"Do what? A baby?"

She nodded, her tears falling faster and harder.

"Nikki," he turned her so she was facing him, wiping away the tears "You're the strongest woman I know Bub and you can do this. I know you can, you just need to believe in yourself."

"I can't Josh…I'm scared…so scared. I can't do this alone. And I just don't know what I'm feeling…I'm scared I'm going to be alone…I don't even know who I am anymore…"

"Nikki, you're not alone. You'll never be alone. I'm here, Sally's here, our family is here and the crew are only a phone call away. It's going to be okay, it might not seem like it now, but it will."

"How do you know that Josh. You're not here every night when I come home, you're still out there," Nikki stated her emotions on a rollercoaster.

Josh tried to stay calm, knowing that her feelings would be all over the place. But he still felt an enormous amount of guilt.

"Nikki, I'll take a shore posting. If that's what it takes, I want to be here for you and our baby. You need me here."

"Josh, you can't do that. There's so much more out there, out on the sea for you. Promotion, learning experiences, everything that you're not going to get if you are here on land."

"I've got my promotion. At the end of the month, I'll officially be Petty Officer Holiday. I'll cope with a shore posting."

At the news, Nikki squealed and flung her arms around his neck, kissing him. The tears were gone.

"I'm so proud of you baby. Why didn't you tell me before?"

"Oh Nikki, there's so much going on, I was waiting for the right time. Things needed to okay with you first. You will always come first in my life."

Nikki smiled, her fears were slowly disappearing. Everything wasn't right yet, but at least Josh and her were talking.

"This doesn't change anything, you can't take a shore posting. We made a decision a while ago, that this situation would work for us. We would make it work."

"Nikki! We could have made things work before, but now things have changed, so if you want me here, you just say the word."

"Josh I can't ask you to give up your life."

"I'd give up everything for you, Nikki Holiday," leaning down to kiss her.

Nikki leant into the kiss, deepening it, remembering why she loved him. He'd move heaven and earth for her.

"This is everything I wanted, Josh. I've got an amazing husband, a baby on the way and may be one day, who knows I might just be back out there at sea…"

Both sat in a contemplative silence.

"Josh? I'm still scared…I'm scared I'm going to ended up a single mother. That something's going to happen to you, and I'm going to be alone. What if that happens? I can't do it," Nikki howled, the tears starting again. "What if I'm a bad mother, what if, what if I lose you?"

"Nikki…Hey listen to me, look at me Bub, I promise you'll never lose me. I'm going to be there for you, for both of you," sliding his hand over her growing stomach.

Nikki sniffled, trying to calm down. Josh grazed his thumb over one of the many tear trails on Nikki's face.

"It's going to be okay, you've got to believe that. We can do anything together," he assured her "You've just got to talk about it."

Josh believed they had only scratched the surface of what was really going on in Nikki's mind. He could tell by the way she was acting, but at least she had started to talk. Not everything was okay yet, but it would be. She would talk when she was ready.

'I'll talk to Swain when we board again,' Josh told himself.

Placing her hand over Josh's bigger one, she giggled slightly, feeling much better. "So what do you think Button is going to look like? I vote for your eyes and hair," she commented

"Hmm," he ummed thoughtfully "No, your eyes, they are the most gorgeous shade of green," he complemented.

"Are you trying to get in my good books Mr. Holiday?" she teased.

"I might be. Is it working?" he replied

"May be," she said, snuggling back into him. "So are you ready to meet our little Button?"

"Tomorrow, wouldn't miss it for the world."

Nikki yawned, trying to hide it.

"Come on you, off to bed," he ordered, standing up.

"But, but it's still early. It's only six o'clock," she protested.

"That doesn't matter, come on off you go. Sleep."

Following her into the bedroom, Josh pulled down the covers as Nikki got ready for bed.

"Hey," Josh commented, turning around to find Nikki in his clothes. "That's my shirt, hands off."

"Comfy!"

"But!"

"Who's fault is it that I'm in need of your clothes," she teased

"Hey, it takes two to tango…and other things," he shot back.

"Comfy…my new clothes aren't here."

"Well…" he sighed. "You do look cute in them," helping her into bed. "Now sleep."

Nikki's eyes had already started to droop, sleep taking over.

"Night baby. I love you," she said sleepily.

"I love you too," he lovingly replied, kissing her temple and smoothing her hair back. "Both of you. Sleep tight Button," placing a kissing on her tummy leaving his hand lingering there for a moment.

Glancing back over his shoulder he sighed. 'Everything would be alright,' he told himself. They were starting to get back on track.

~*~*~

What do we all think? Did I get it right? What people hoped for?  
Em


	8. Chapter 8

"Josh, move it!" shouted Nikki.

"Yeah, yeah coming," he shouted back, moving the phone slightly. Turning his attention back to the phone he spoke again. "Hey sorry about that, you know Nikki...yeah that's cool...The boss coming?...Yeah didn't think he would...Cool...you get hold of Spide and RO, I've messaged Swaino and Charge...Cool...I should go before Nikki blows her top...Yeah I'll see you there Buff...Bye," he ended the call, dashing out to where Nikki was waiting.

Nikki stood there tapping her finger on her watch. Josh grinned at her, that famous cheeky smile. The one sure way to melt her heart.

"Buffer...boys night out," he explained.

Nikki smiled and shook her head slightly. "Come on, let's go," she said tugging on his shirt, pulling him out the door.

~*~*~

A short time later the two were sitting in the doctors surgery's waiting room. Nikki was fidgety, tapping her feet and wringing her wedding rings. Josh turned his head slightly at the movement, glancing down at her hands. Her ring finger was becoming a tinged pink. Over the time that they had been together Josh had started to notice the small things that showed that Nikki was stressed, and twisting and turning her rings were one of the major signs.

He gently took her left hand trapping it between his two larger ones and began to massage it, in an attempt to calm her down.

"What's up Bub?"

"Nothing..." trying to keep a brave face.

"Hey...something's wrong."

"Nothing. I'm fine!"

"With that tone Nikki, I'm not buying the 'I'm fine' act," he pushed

"Bah!"

"Come on, talk to me...are you scared? It's okay."

"Just don't know what to expect...I'm used to being in complete control."

"Nik, I'm just as scared. We're in uncharted water..." he teased.

Nikki laughed, the ice was broken.

"Well would you like a map? You can chart it. You're the one on Hammersley now, Petty Officer."

"Well I did learn from the best."

"You know, I'm excited, but I'm scared at the same time. Is that possible?"

"Course it is...and I'll bet all those fears will be gone the second you see our baby on the screen."

Josh smiled and held his hand out, grabbing her other one. She looked down and started to twist his wedding band.

"Hey...I don't want a sore finger!"

"But I like the way it catches the light. I'm passing time," she whined, becoming tired of waiting.

"I swear you've at a fetish for rings Nikki. When we got engaged I told you I'd take your ring away if you kept playing with it and I'll do it again," he warned playful.

"No, my precious rings..." she stuck her bottom lip out.

"Aww..." he leant down to capture her lips.

"Nikki Holiday?" her doctor Lauren Tait called. Lauren was actually an old high school friend of Nikki's. As Nikki broke away from Josh, she spied the slight grin on Lauren's face,

"Just 'cause you can't get any," Nikki whispered, teasing her as she walked past.

"Cheeky! Come on, up here you..." Lauren order, patting the bed. "Hey Josh," she threw over her shoulder as he trailed in after the two girls.

Josh helped Nikki up onto the table and sat down next to her as Lauren readied all the equipment.

"Blood tests first than ultrasound," advised Lauren.

Nikki winced as the needle went in, but didn't say anything. It would soon be over.

"Now I'm warning you, this is going to be cold," Lauren told her, picking up the Doppler.

Nikki gasped at the sudden cold as the wand loaded with cold gel touched her bare stomach. She grabbed Josh's hand.

"Cold," she whimpered.

"Wimp," he teased, planting a kiss on her temple.

Soon a steady beat echoed in the small room.

"That's your baby's heartbeat," commented Lauren. "Did you want to see him or her?"

"Do you even need to ask?" Nikki said.

As Nikki turned her head, Lauren had moved the screen around so the excited parents could see the first pictures of their child. On the screen was a small blurry picture. Nikki and Josh could make out the head, the spine and legs.

Nikki had tears in her eyes. "That's our little Button?" she asked, as she cautiously reached out her hand to touch the screen.

"Yeah that's your little one. Go ahead," Lauren said.

Nikki traced down the spine. Looking up at Josh she asked, "Josh, isn't Button just perfect? Can you see everything?"

"Of course I can," he reassured her, wiping the tears of joy from her eyes. Both sets of eyes turned back to the screen, both captivated by their baby.

"So that's the heart beating away," Lauren pointed out. "I just need to measure your little bubba and I'll get the sample for the testing. And I assume that you want photos?"

Nikki and Josh both nodded.

"Well you've got a wriggler here Nikki. Somersaulting away there. Takes after Josh I assume. He or she won't stay still. So I'll get you quite a few photos," Lauren informed them. The expectant parents laughed along, Nikki sliding a hand through Josh's blond curls.

"Just as long as they get these gorgeous curly locks, I'm good! Button can wriggle as much as she wants. I can't wait." Nikki said.

After a while, Lauren wiped the gel from Nikki and Josh helped her up.

"So judging by the size and info, I'd put your due date around 20th January. Summer baby Nik," Lauren informed them. "I'll send the bloods off and get back to you with results. And problems or questions?"

"I'm good, just the morning sickness. Which we talked about before. Apart from that nothing much," Nikki told her.

"And you're not stressing out at work?" Lauren enquired.

"Desk job now, little less stress," came the reply.

"Okay, so if there's nothing else, I'll ring you about results and we'll make the next appointment then?"

"Sounds good," Nikki said.

"Okay, and remember the door is always open," offered Lauren as she handed over the precious ultrasound photos.

Hands grabbed at them eagerly. Josh got half and Nikki the other. Lauren smiled as they exited her office.

"So remember don't you go doing 'a Swain' at work," warned Nikki as they got to the car.

"But Button's prefect. Everyone needs to see that," protested Josh.

"Just show Swain and then stick it up in your cabin," she ordered

"Aww...fine. She's still prefect. Or he is," Josh commented.

And the photos were proudly placed on the fridge when the Holidays arrived home.

Nikki took a step back into Josh's waiting arms, both proudly admiring the first photos of their child, as Josh placed his hands over Nikki's guiding them down to rest on her bump.


	9. Chapter 9

A week or so later the crew of the Hammersley assembled on the deck. Everyone was talking animatedly waiting for the CO. ET looked around for Swain, wanting to show off his baby's first precious ultrasound.

"Swaino? Hey Swain!" Josh called out, trying to gain the attention of the coxswain as he walked across the deck. "Swain!"

Swain turned at the sound for his name.

"ET," he replied as the young technician reached him. "How are things going with Nikki?"

"Good, good. I've got something to show you. Nikki told me to keep it down, but I want to shout it from the bow of the ship."

"First Ultrasound?"

ET nodded

"Well let's see it then," grinned Swain.

Just as ET reached into his pocket to show Swain the picture, the CO called the crew to attention.

"Later," whispered ET.

Later in the day, once the boat had set sail, ET bound up the stairs to the bridge, ultrasound in hand. Upon arriving on the bridge he found most of the crew he wanted to show off to. The CO was sitting on his chair going over something with the X, Leut. Clarkson, the Nav was looking out at the sea from her chair while Swain was at the helm. RO was at his desk, as was Charge. Spider and Buffer were hanging around, the former annoying RO and Buffer just glancing out to sea.

"Swain!" ET called, waving the picture in the direction of the Swain.

The two female officers smiled in ET's direction, laughing slightly at his enthusiasm.

Passing over the picture, ET asked, "So?"

"So what? It's too early to see yet ET," laughed Swain

"No, I mean can you make out anything, like the legs, spine?" ET clarified.

"Is this the little nipper, ET?" the CO asked, glancing over in interest.

"Yep, that's my precious little Button," he replied, grinning like an idiot.

"Gimme," called out X, holding out her hands to Swain. "I can see a spine," she announced.

"And that's a leg," pointed out Clarkson, leaning over to look.

"And this is the start of the clucking," grinned Buffer, watching as the two girls oohed and awwed over the picture.

"Wonder if ET's going to be as bad as Swain was?" Spider mused.

"I heard that Spide," called back ET.

"Okay, okay. Let's get back to work people," Mike called out. "By the way ET, very nice."

"Sir," ET grinned as he left the bridge, heading back to his quarters so he could pin the photo up next to the photo of Nikki and himself.

"It's going to be a long four weeks," commented Buffer. "All he's going to talk about is that baby."

All the males on the bridge groaned.

Two weeks into the trip ET made his way toward the cabin Swain shared with Buffer.

"Swain?" ET popped his head around the door after knocking to find Swain sitting at a desk.

"What can I do for you ET?"

"Got a few to chat?"

"Always…Come on in," Swain offered. "What's eating at you?"

"Same as before, Nikki."

"Thought you guys had sorted things out?"

"Started, I guess. Things are going down the right track, but I can't help but feel like she hasn't told me everything," ET shrugged.

"ET, don't expect too much, too soon. You can't even begin to imagine what is going through her head. Her hormones are all over the place, so are her emotions. She's going to open up to you as she feels ready. And don't be surprised if she goes from sweet and loving to crying to angry and mad and then back all within a single conversation. Just try not to take it too personally," advised Swain.

ET nodded knowingly, "Been there already."

"So what else is wrong? There's still something, right?" Swain probed further.

"May be…it's just something Nikki said. Something about being a single mother," confessed ET.

"Don't go down that path ET," warned Swain "Thinking like that will get you nowhere, trust me I've been there."

"Yeah I know I can't be there every single minute of the day if I'm out here, but what if…She shouldn't ever had to feel like that. It's not right. What kind of husband am I?"

"ET, I'm going to tell you something Buffer once told me…'You're not the first man in the navy to have a baby.' And he's right. It is going to be okay. Yes it's going to be difficult, I'm not denying that. And you and Nikki are going to have your ups and downs, but you'll come out the other side stronger and better for it all. You and Nikki can do this," assured Swain.

"But what if I took a shore posting? I could be there for her," argued ET.

"Yeah you could, but is that something you and Nikki want?"

"Nikki doesn't want me to take one, but I know that I need to be there for her. And if taking a shore posting is what that takes, then I'm willing to do that for Nikki, for both her and the baby. I need to."

"But if Nikki doesn't want you to, there has to be a reason. She's a reasonable woman."

"She doesn't want me to just because she thinks I can achieve more out at sea, promotions and navy experiences, all that stuff."

"Well she's right…"

ET cut him off, "Yeah, but what about her? What about her plans and her career?"

"Josh! Once she became pregnant, she would have had to take a shore posting anyway. And I know she and Sally have been talking about things, she's really okay with you being out here. You joined the navy to be out at sea. You also know that she's always planned on having a family one day. Yeah it would be easier if you had a shore posting, but I'm sure you made a decision for her to be on land. And when we get back to port you need to talk to her about this."

"We've already talked this through," said ET

"Well not everything can be sorted out with one conversation ET. And evidently not everything has been worked out if you're in my cabin talking about it."

"I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not doing enough for her."

"You worship the ground she walks on," Swain laughed "She knows you love her and you'll do anything for her. But also respect her feelings about why she believes that you should stay on the sea. Think about the implications for her. If you take a shore posting, I think Nav might just always have it niggling in the back of her mind that she's to blame for taking you away from the sea."

"But I wouldn't blame her Swain."

"May be not at first, may be never at all, but I can't help but think that that's what might just be going on in her head. She knows this is your life, at one point, it was her life too. But your lives have changed and that's going to take a lot of getting used to. It's not magic ET; it won't just suddenly be all okay. You need to talk to your wife."

"What kind of father can I be if I'm out here? Button is going to resent me for being out here. And resent the Navy for taking me out to sea, even if it is my choice. I don't want my child to hate the Navy; it's a big part of both mine and Nikki's lives. And I want to be there for my child, for them to be able to have a nightmare and come running into me, so I can be there, comforting and a strong protector for him or her."

"You know, when Sal wanted me to take a shore posting, Nav had some really insightful advice for me. Did you know that?"

ET shook his head.

"She told me that she had a father who worked on destroyers but when he was home, he was always home and that I would have the same relationship with Chloe, she knew it. Well something along those lines. And she was right ET. I've got a really strong relationship with Chloe. Yeah I'm not home everyday and that's hard, but Sal and I make it work."

"But what if…"

"There's always going to be 'what if?' The key is not to let them take over your life; don't let those thoughts control you. Go home, talk to Nikki, everything won't be alright the minute you talk to her, but they will start to get better. And from what I hear from Sally, you're not the only one with fears. Nav's just as scared, but the two of you can work this out, you just need to talk about it," advised Swain.

"Nikki's being talking to Sally?" asked ET

Swain nodded, "I did say that the two of us would be there for you guys and I meant it."

"Thanks Swain, it's important to me that Nikki's got a support system when I'm not there."

"Sal knows that. She might not be in the same position as Nav, but she knows that the Navy is important to me as long as it works for her and Chloe. And I'm sure that kind of advice is useful to the two of you. Yeah, the Navy is your job, but make sure you have a personal life too. Speaking of what has the Navy said about the baby?"

"Marshall was fine about it all. He was the first person after the family that we told. So I know he's keeping a watchful eye on Nikki. Her duties will lighten up depending on how everything goes."

"Good…You know my door is always open Josh, anything you need. Come and talk, don't keep everything bottled up. When we get home you need to talk to her though."

"Yes dad," ET teased. "Cheers though Swain. Just needed to hear all those fears out loud. I'm sure it will be okay, we'll work on it."

Swain nodded as ET left, "That's right ET, just give it time."

Buffer had been right; it had been a long four weeks, but not just for the crew of the Hammersley. It had been just as long for Nikki, who was missing having ET around the house. It had been a slow outing for the Hammersley, leaving ET plenty of time to chat about his baby. Many of the crew were ready for home port, if only for the peace and quiet they would get by escaping ET.

Late in the afternoon, on the day Hammersley was due back into port, Nikki was summoned into Marshall's office.

Nikki knocked and entered.

"Come in Leut. Have a seat," said Marshall.

"Sir, what's wrong?" Nikki asked nervously. "What's happened?"

"There's been an accident," he gently told her.

"What's happened? Is Josh okay?" she franticly asked, her hand flying down to her tummy.

"Nikki," he continued softly, "Josh has been injured."

~~~


	10. Chapter 10

Nikki went running down the corridor towards the room that Josh was in, after stopping at the stopping at the nurses' station to find out where her husband was.

"Josh?" she frantically called as she rushed into his room.

She stopped short at the sight of her husband, sitting up in bed, with his left leg strapped up, grin on his face. The look his face soon changed at the sight of hers. Worry was etched on Nikki's face. She had come in expecting the worse. Marshall hadn't told her what had happened; he didn't have any details, just that Josh had been injured.

"Nikki?" he replied, attempting to move from his position, wincing as he tried to move his leg.

Nikki's face paled as he make an effort to get up, for the shortest moment he feared that she was going to faint and there was no way that he would be able to catch her. Lucky for both of them Swain and Sally rounded the corner into his room, from the look on Josh's face Swain could tell that Nikki wasn't in a good state.

As Sally closed the door silently Swain walked behind Nikki, placing a hand on her back.

"Hey Nikki," he whispered "Everything's good, just going over to that chair over there," he told her.

Nikki allowed herself to be directed over to the chair next to Josh's bed, Josh grabbing her hand as she sat down.

"Hey, hey, everything's okay," Josh reassured.

"What happed? Marshall said you were injured but he didn't know what happened," she asked worriedly.

"Stupid, stupid mistake," Josh sighed

Nikki looked over to Swain, who just nodded his head letting Josh finish his story.

"We had boarded a FFV and cleared off the people on board and I was checking the on board electronics. Slipped as I was coming back up on board."

"Josh, that still doesn't tell me why you've ended up in hospital," Nikki reacted.

"Hang on," he soothed.

"And what's with the red mark around your ring finger," Nikki stressed, tracing the mark with her finger.

"My wedding ring got caught on some sort of pole and twisted my hand and I lost my footing. And you know that I've had problems with my left knee for a while. So when I tried to move I managed to twist my knee the wrong way and hey presto pain to the extreme and I couldn't walk," he finished.

"Your wedding ring?" Nikki questioned

"I always thought that you guys didn't wear rings, well any type of jewellery when you were working?" asked Sally, moving behind Nikki.

"Yeah you thought right Sal," replied Nikki "They aren't allowed to. It's a safety hazard, rings get caught and accidents happen. Serves him right"

"Ice, ice baby," laughed Sally.

"Sympathy much? Doesn't exist here," commented Josh to Swain.

"Which reminds me," said Swain, reaching into the top pocket of his whites pulling out a mangled ring. "Your wedding ring mate. I think it needs to go to the jewellers," he teased.

Josh took the distorted ring holding up to glance it over. It looked like more like a cross between a diamond and oval than it did a circular ring.

"We'll leave you to it then mate," Swain told him, taking Sally's hand.

"Bye, give me a ring if you need anything Nik. My turn to get lunch," farewelled Sally as they left.

Nikki waved as they left her face hardening as she turned back to Josh who had managed to swing his legs over the side of the bed.

"Hello," Josh cautiously said.

"Don't you 'hello' me Joshua Holiday," she heatedly said "It's not for fun that you are told not to wear jewellery. See, these are consequences for what happens and this accident could have been avoided. Instead of you being laid up for your shore leave we could be out doing things like shopping for the baby or starting on the nursery, but no, you've hurt your knee. Typical Josh," she finished shaking her head as the doctor came in.

A while later, Josh and Nikki were ready to leave, Josh equipped with crutches and orders to stay off his feet for at least two weeks.

"So home then," Nikki said as they got into her car.

"Actually can we got and see Scott and get my ring sorted out first?" questioned Josh.

Scott was a friend of Josh's, well actually he met him through his older sister and was a jeweller. Scott had designed Nikki's engagement ring and made both wedding rings for them.

"You need to go home and rest," he was told.

"It's only going to take a minute or so," whined Josh

"And you tell me I'm attached to my rings. Fine we'll go; I can't wait to see the look on Scott's face when he sees that ring."

Nikki and Josh walked into a small exclusive jewellers a short while later, well Josh attempted to walk; he was hobbling along with his crutches. The young girl behind the counter took one look at the white uniform and guessed who they were here to see

"Would you like to see Scott?"

Josh nodded, watching as Nikki walked around looking in the cabinets.

"See anything you like Nikki?" a voice asked.

They turned to the direction of the voice to find their friend causally dressed, the same as ever.

"And what happened to you?" Scott asked Josh walking over to embrace Nikki.

"Just a little mishap," Josh told him.

"All caused by his wedding ring," Nikki added. "Enough about him though. Which of these amazing pieces are yours?"

"Just a few of the few simpler ones," he said "The curse of being one of the younger jewellers," he shrugged.

"What about this one?" Nikki asked, pointing to a necklace that hung nearby "It reminds me of a grandfather's clock."

"Yeah it does, it's one of mine."

"So embracing the pearls are we mate?" asked Josh

"Definitely, that piece took quite a while. Trying to get the three pearls to balance on those chains...Anyway what can I do for you? How much damage have you done?"

Josh sheepishly pulled out his mangled ring; dropping into the palm of Scott's outstretched hand.

"Mate, what did you do?" he asked

"It got caught on a pole and twisted around," confessed Josh.

"You know may be we should have gone with 9ct, it's not as soft, won't damage as easily," commented Scott

"Hold up, I thought Nikki got a 9ct ring," Josh said, glancing down at his two toned band.

"Well when Scott and I sat down to design your ring I decided to go with the 18ct because it had a nicer finish. You did the same thing," replied Nikki. "May be should have gone with a titanium ring," she smiled at Scott.

Scott nodded knowingly.

"A titanium ring?" Josh questioned confused.

"Uh huh. It would have been perfect, they are hard to destroy, you can't resize them either," Scott told him.

"What are you trying to say Nik?" Josh teased.

"That you destroy things. But you brought me an 18ct so that's the reason I got you the same," she finished

"Yeah, but you have a desk job. No physically going out on boats," Josh said.

"Not supposed to wear your ring on boarding," shot back Nikki.

"Hey guys," interrupted Scott. "Debate at home, this is an easy fix. I'll have it done by tomorrow," he told them

"Cool, knew I could count on you Scotty," replied Josh. Turning to Nikki he smiled, offering her his hand, "So home now?"

Scott smiled as he watched to the two leave the shop before picking up the warped ring.

When the Holidays got home, Nikki started rushing around trying to make sure that Josh comfortable and he had everything he needed.

"Nikki?" Josh called from his spot on the couch.

"Yeah," she called back "Coming, just a sec," walking into the living room, "What can I do for you?"

"Come and sit down, is what," he told her

"But!" she interjected

"Come and sit down and relax. Stressing out isn't good for either of you. So come and have a seat," Josh told her, patting the space next to himself.

"Let me get out of my whites first" Nikki told him, starting to walk out.

"Hey, hey," Josh grabbed her arms, gently pulling her towards himself, "Don't worry about it. I know what you're like, you'll never come back. Sit!"

"It's been a long day," she commented, snuggling down next to Josh. "Don't you ever go doing that to me again," she warned.

"Never again," he responded, leaning down to capture her lips. "Never again sweetie," he murmured against her lips.

~~~


	11. Chapter 11

Josh sighed as he heard the bedroom door slam shut. Nikki had been in a funny mood for the last two days; she could go from happy and smiling to ripping your head off in nought point two seconds. He knew her hormones were going crazy and she'd been moody the last few times he had been home, but this was crazy, it was like everything had been taken to a whole new level.

'Mind you,' he reasoned in his head, 'It could be somewhat my fault.'

He had learnt not to say anything very quickly. The first day he was back she had turned on him, almost as if she was looking for a fight. It didn't matter what he said, she would twist it around and everything would be his fault.

He looked around the kitchen, wondering how long it would take her to come in; almost as if on cue he heard the front door slam and the car start. Obviously she wasn't having breakfast with him this morning.

Josh hobbled over to the dining room table; his knee wasn't as bad as it had been the last two days, but he still couldn't walk without the aid of his crutches. Well not very far anyway. All because of his wedding ring. He had given her grief over her rings; she was always twisting them and now looked what had happened.

"Two weeks," he grumbled. There were so many other things that he could be doing, anything would be better than just sitting around the house laid up. There was a knock at the door, and Josh grumbled as he hauled himself out of the chair. As he neared the door the knocking became more and more persistent.

"Yeah, yeah hang on a tick," Josh called, tottering toward the front door. He just couldn't get hang of these crutches. "Bah," he griped. He finally opened the door to reveal Swain and Charge. "Hey come in," he invited, moving aside to allow them to pass. "Go on through I could be a while," he said shuffling behind them.

"Creature from the deep taken down by a piece of metal," teased Charge.

Nikki looked up at the clock to find that her day had nearly come to an end. She loved Fridays, how many other jobs could you find where you finished at 1pm on a Friday afternoon; she loved the freedom it gave her. Usually it was a good time to do the shopping and really have time to herself, but today she was going to have lunch with Kate. Opportunities to spend time with Kate and even Bomber were few and far between; the last time she'd had managed to get with Kate was the party she and Josh had to announce the pregnancy.

Nikki glanced up at the clock to find it 5 to 1. She was going to have to rush; she had ten minutes to get down the road to keep her lunch with Kate.

Opening the cupboard in her office she flung the remains of her paperwork onto the top shelf, she would deal with it later. She pulled out the civvies that she kept in her office just for times like this. Nikki huffed after looking down at them; there wasn't any way she was going to be able to fit into these clothes. Cursing silently she shoved the clothes into her briefcase and rushed out of the building.

Kate was already sitting waiting at a table when Nikki rushed in. Apologizing profusely Nikki slid into the chair.

"Whites?" Kate questioned, looking over at Nikki's outfit.

"Didn't have any clothes in my office that actually fit me anymore," Nikki huffed.

The two made small talk over lunch; it wasn't until coffee that Kate thought she'd broach the subject of how Nikki was feeling.

"Nikki? How are things going?" she asked.

"Oh, you know the usual, busy at work and it's good to have Josh home," Nikki started. "Even if he's underfoot," she muttered under her breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing…nothing."

"Come on Nikki, what's going on? Mad at Josh…I'm surprised he didn't end up back in hospital after you saw him," Kate commented.

"Nothing's going on Kate."

"Sure."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well it's not like you to let Josh off lightly. He hurt himself because he didn't follow the rules, normally you would have given him hell over that."

"Yeah, it was an accident…And okay he didn't follow the rules of not having any jewellery on, but how come you didn't say anything to him?"

"Why would I tell him anything?"

"Well you know the Navy's view on jewellery so why didn't you tell him off or even remind him that he still had his ring on. He's human he's entitled to forget sometimes. It's your boarding party Kate, it's your responsibility to make sure that they get safely off from the ship and then safely back on again," Nikki retorted, becoming agitated.

"But Nikki…"

"No Kate…It's not fair. You don't understand Kate, why would you? You're not married, how would you understand what I'm going through? I've spent the last year or so behind a desk, not out at sea where I really want to be. And I'm constantly worrying that each time I see Josh off that I'm never going to see him again. How can you even comprehend that? For weeks on end I don't know whether the man I love is okay, I'm scared that every time Marshall walks through my door, it is to tell me that something's happen to Josh and I'm going to be alone. And I'm relying on you to look out for him, watch his back. And to remind him that he's being stupid and left his wedding ring on!," she finished.

Kate looked at her stunned, and just stared at her friend, unable to speak.

Nikki pushed her chair back. "I'm sorry Kate. Everything's out of control. I'll ring you," she apologized, picking up her bag.

Sally opened her front door to reveal Nikki, sobbing her heart out.

"How could he be so stupid Sal?" she sobbed

"Hey, hey, come on in," Sally comforted, and quickly ushered her into the house. "Now what's happened, hun?"

"Just the usual, Josh not thinking about anyone and being stupid. I'm surprised he didn't kill himself."

"Nik, why don't you go and freshen up and then you can tell me all about it," Sally advised. Once Nikki had disappeared towards the bathroom, she walked off to the family room where Swain was playing with Chloe.

"Chris," she called out to get his attention. "Nikki's just turned up, upset about what's happened with Josh. Could you take Chloe down to the park or something?"

"So it's finally come to a head then," Swain commented. "I'm surprised she didn't say anything at the hospital that day. ET said this morning that she's been behaving funnily."

"Chlo?" Sally asked, picking up her daughter. "Would you like to go to the park with daddy?"

Chloe nodded her head and reached out her arms towards her father.

Before long Nikki and Sally were seated on the couch, hot chocolate in hand.

"Okay Nikki what's on your mind?"

Nikki sighed. Then, taking a deep breath, she started. "Josh…How could he be so stupid? Leaving his wedding ring on? I want to kill him. It's not fair Sal. How do you cope every time Swain goes away?"

"Nikki I don't have an answer. I would love to say that it get easier seeing him off, but it doesn't. Yeah, it's hard and you've just got to take each day as it comes."

"But doesn't he understand that. It's like he's not even thinking about me or the baby. It's all about him. I mean he loves his job and I know he…he wouldn't give it up for anything but I want him here Sal,"

"Nik,"

"But then again, I can't have him here. I want him here so he can experience everything, every little milestone that I'm going through. I can remember all those little things in my life that Dad missed, well not just my life, but the four boys too. And I know he wanted to be there, but he loved his job. And Josh is the same. I can't help but question which he loves more…And I'm scared that if I ask him, he's going to tell me that he loves his job more. I can't have him back here, he'd be wasted on a land job, and he needs to be out at sea…" Nikki rambled on.

"But his job needs to work for you too, for both you and the baby," Sally gently reminded her.

"But I can't have him risking his life at every turn."

"Nikki? Why didn't you shout at him? You would normally give him a piece of your mind. I would have done that if Chris was that stupid."

"If I shouted at him, if I told him what I really thought…then…may be…he wouldn't…he wouldn't…come home," Nikki broke down.

"Nikki…you're torn, I understand. He's in a risky job," Sally advised, rubbing her back as Nikki tried to calm down.

"I feel like I'm in two pieces, one part of me wants to slap him for being so reckless and wants him to back at home all the time with a job where I know he's going to be safe, but on the other hand I don't want him to give up the job he loves, where he's in danger" Nikki confessed.

"And unfortunately that feeling never goes away Nik, I experience that every time Chris leaves. And I can't imagine how you cope working within the Navy and seeing first-handed what they do on a daily basis first-hand."

"And I've just taken my frustrations out on Kate, blaming her for not looking out for her boarding party better," Nikki sighed

"Kate will understand. I know that she doesn't understand everything you're feeling, but at least she's got some idea of what happens on board the ship."

"But I blamed her for not reminding Josh that he had his wedding ring on…And it's not her fault. She's not his mother…" Nikki mused.

"Nikki, honestly, I think you need to go home and let Josh know all of these things. Even if that means yelling at him. And I think he deserves that. He was careless with his life, all over a wedding ring. I know that Chris hasn't ever left his on while he's working. And it might even take Josh leaving his ring at home when goes out. And I know you don't want him come back to a land job, so tell him that. Remember that not everything can be sorted out in one conversation."

"But I'm worried that if I tell him all this, it's just going to give him ammunition on his side for coming back to land. I don't want him sacrificing his job, his career for me."

"It's all a two way street. It needs to work for both of you. Well, for all three of you now. And I know you can cope by yourself and with him coming home on and off, you just need to tell him. Reassure him that you want him to continue working on the boat but at the same time you need him to think about the fact that it's not just about him anymore. I know that Chris worries about things; like it's not just his life that he has to worry about, he's got a wife and child to come home to, people that depend on him. It's going to take time Nik, it's not an instant science where you can just click your fingers and magically everything is okay. Talk to your husband. He loves you and I'm sure he feels stupid about what's happened. And if you yell at him it's going to be a wake up call for him, he needs that," Sally concluded.

"Thanks Sal," Nikki replied leaning over to hug her friend "I don't know what I'd do without you," she finished, standing up.

"Anytime Nikki, door is always open. Now you go home and yell at that husband of yours," Sally walked her out to the car.

Shutting her car door, Nikki sighed and looked in the rear view mirror. 'I can do this, we'll be okay,' she told her, easing her car into reverse.

~*~*~


End file.
